Internal Struggle

The most important job I have is being a mum to my little boy Parker. It’s definitely proven to be the most challenging but also the most rewarding. Clique but oh so true.

I am so grateful every day that I have the privilege to be a mum but I am also more than ‘just a mum.’ I have hopes, dreams and aspirations that sit around me being a mum. Sometimes this divine little person that I am raising taints my glasses and my hopes and dreams become things like, drinking hot coffee in silence or sleeping all night. But I want to make sure that being a mum is not my only accomplishment.

Sometimes when you become a mum, you can forget who you are. In between the sleepless nights, endless washing, cleaning food or spew out of your hair, feeding and caring, you can lose sight of you. There have been numerous times where I have found myself asking this exact question (who am I?) and at times I haven’t known the answer.

At the moment I have a beautiful life filled with normal mum moments, which is where the internal struggle begins. This is known best as mum guilt. Sometimes when I feel the urge to be creative or a fresh idea blooms, I have to let go because Parker needs me. I know that there are some things that have to be tucked away in a drawer for now, in order for me to be a better mum. Although I know that it is the right thing to do, I sometimes can’t help but feel trapped.

How can I give enough of myself to motherhood, my marriage and still have enough left over for me? My friend related my internal struggle back to something that she read in Peter Pan. There are many different kinds of bravery. One form of bravery is thinking of others before one’s self. You can still have dreams and aspirations, but for now they are left in a drawer. Sometimes you can pull them out and admire them or slowly work towards them but other times you need to close the drawer, and every time you close that drawer, it gets harder and harder and this is why you are brave.

For me right now, this is perfect. I can slowly chip away at some of my dreams and aspirations, however at the moment I can not wholeheartedly give my whole self. And this is OK.  Sometimes its hard and sometimes I worry that I am loosing sight of me, but I come back to my drawer and remember where I want to go and that I am brave.

This is something that is so important to remember. For me right now, the beauty in simply being a mum is not lost. Just being a mum is enough. However because you’re a mum, don’t feel that you have to put away your dreams and aspirations forever. You are still you, but at this point of time you are a different version of you. You are not lost. And if you ever feel lost or that you are hanging on to the very last thread of you, go back to your drawer and admire your dreams and aspirations.

Let’s all remember that there is no such thing as the mum who has it all together – the perfect mum. It’s a delusion. Everyone mum is secretly overwhelmed and tired. We all cry, wish, give and don’t give up even when we want to run away and hide.

You are enough. You are brave. You are amazing.

Don’t give up on you!

x x

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